So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
