Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Three words: puerto rican gang bang
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
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