If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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