i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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