dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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