Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Randomize
