your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
