in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
