im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Randomize