I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
And then my night got REAL pukey
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Randomize
