Your face is a jimmy john
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
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