I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
Church boner. Awkwardddd
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
