He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
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