I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Randomize
