I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
My first STD was from a foam party
Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
im on a boat
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