my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
