listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
