I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
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