i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
