when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Randomize
