community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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