Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
