Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Randomize