Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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