grandma shit on top of the toilet
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
