Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
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