i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
