Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Randomize
