I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Randomize
