I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
