her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Randomize
