I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
