Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Randomize