and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Sext me about skeletons
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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