I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
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