you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
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