Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Randomize
