Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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