in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
