His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
