you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Randomize