Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Randomize
