Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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