dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
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