Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
