and she was petting her beer can
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
You are a genius and a whore.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
