I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
