This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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