I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
he just fucked me for my cheese.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
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