oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I have already put on my inside pants.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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