remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I would fuck him just for his dog
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
