I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Randomize
