Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
