I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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