i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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