i just wanna soil my oats bro
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
