If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
We were destined to go to rehab together
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
