why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize