the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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