May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Randomize