that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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