I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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