ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
