Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
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