My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
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